Day 11

So here is the deal...I would also like to add to the list of things to not shop for over the year.  I would like to stop shopping and paying for DOCTORS.  If I were able to do this, I would save so much money, so much time, and so much grief.  I would also probably be dead, but that is not the point right now.  Just this week I have spent $75 on basic copay type fees.  Who knows what the real bill will be when the actual 20% is figured.  If I end up having surgery on my elbow and shoulder it will negate any savings I could be accruing from my shopping fast.  Yikes.  Not fun.

I have also realized, since I have actually begun to look at my bank account for the first time in my life, that my spending on medicines, lab tests, and other therapies is ridiculous.  I suppose I am glad I have not kept an accounting of such things.  It would only lead to a greater guilt I suffer from being a sickly person.  I have drained an exorbitant amount of cash each month due to this crazy lupus/ra situation.  No one else in my family, thank God, has taken money out of our economy due to medical illness.  It is a bizarre thing to imagine what it would be like not to have this burden.

I try not to think about what life would be like without this illness hanging over my head. I attempt to push aside the notion that other women do not need surgery every other year, shots for osteoporosis, or a cast or sling every four months.  My sense of denial seems to be the one thing keeping me sane.  It is what it is, that's what I keep telling every one.  Truth be told, what it is kind of stinks.

This is one of those times when I feel like I "deserve" to at least try to look good. I feel sorry for myself and think that I should be able to at least dress this sad ole body.  I convince myself that new clothing and jewelry will help me with my "fake it till you make it" mentality.  It is hobby that I can do even when I am physically unable to run, workout, ride my bike, etc.  It is something I do well.

With the turn of seasons, I will miss my little activity of shopping.  I follow fashion and feel a sense of resurrection with the change of clothing.  I love to see the colors and styles that accompany the turning of the tides.  I certainly do not have the control at this point to do any window shopping.  Maybe someday I will be able to convert my habits into a change of heart. Happy Thursday.