Day 5

I found this great quotation by Gandhi.  It sums up what is going on inside my head when it comes to my over-shopping. I just do not feel like the way that I am living matches up to my ideals and goals.  I want more for the world, but at the same time I am conflicted by constantly wanting more for myself.  What is a girl to do?

Obviously, I have too  much time on my hands to think now.  That is always the case during Lent, as we Stephases wind down from technology.  This last few days has been filled with so much consideration that it surprises me.

I had quite a moment of frustration yesterday after work.  My gallant husband drove me into work yesterday to save me from the ice trap that is our school parking lot.  Therefore, he had to retrieve me at the end of the day.  After subbing during both of my planning periods--the last of the day in a rather dirty, unkempt room--I was already a bit more worn out than usual.  I had sent my husband a grocery list early in the morning and assumed he would be able to procure these few things during his lunch hour.

I was incorrect about the grocery mission.  As I parked my rear into the car, he alerted me to the fact that we would have to stop at the store.  Of course I said, rather tersely, that I could not go to the store.  He said I could just wait and wanted to review the list to make sure he would get it all right.  I decided to throw a bit of a baby fit and cross ninety percent of the items off the list. I felt the need to pout and gripe while he  quickly picked ran into Giant Eagle to pick up the rest of the items on my list.  I busied myself with my bad mood while he did his best in the store..

I find this not shopping thing to be a tremendous loss of control.  I have a deep desire to control my environment.  This includes the way that I look, the scent of my home and classroom, the cleanliness of my surroundings, the colors on the walls, etc.  Everyone who knows me knows that I like things just so.  That exterior control helps me to keep a handle  on my interior world. When things are in sync, all is good. When my world runs a muck I to lose it.

The fifth day was just a tad more trying than I would like.  I am not sure if the first 5 day week in months has thrown me off; or, if the shopping fast has taken hold.  I do know that my mood is up and down.  I do know that I am feeling a little more miserly than I ever have.  I do know that I feel more conservative than I ever have. I also know that my attachment to checking my financial progress on my new Mint app could become obsessive.  I want to be sure I do not trade one addiction for another. What I want to replace this problem is a true sense of peace and the feeling of enough.  I know that this will take work and prayer/mediation and time.

Ah well, I made it longer that I have in the past.  On to day six and a challenging weekend ahead.  Maybe I will organize one of my closets!  Maybe...